Want
by ChiharuSato22
Summary: The betrayal terrified them both. The guilt made it real. The grief brought them together. // Shinji x Urahara, Round 5 Entry


**Want**

_Shinji x Ukitake_

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Shinji, Hirako Shinji, found himself in a predicament. He had fallen for the wrong person at the wrong time. And, it wasn't his fault. The other person knew, he was absolutely _sure_, and was toying with him—torturing him.

Why didn't he mind like he should have?

The man was the beautiful Aizen Sousuke, his lieutenant—captivating, enthralling and, probably, much more suited for captaincy than he was. Sousuke had the charisma and the strength, Shinji was sure, to match such a position.

But, then there was the betrayal—the betrayal that left Shinji feeling more broken than he had in ages.

Shinji had to be honest with himself—he had expected it. He had fully expected Sousuke to turn on them.

But that hadn't stopped himself from falling irrevocably in love with him; from everything Sousuke did to everything he was—or, at least, pretended to be—Shinji had been in love with.

But, Sousuke was dangerous—it was like playing with fire. It was enticing and exciting, but you would always get burned in the end.

Shinji had been burned—_badly_.

He remembered Sousuke's soft smile and awkwardness. Despite that, though, he had the air of a natural-born leader—something Shinji had to learn to acquire.

One could say Shinji had despised Sousuke so truly that he had fallen in love. He had been ridiculously envious—Sousuke had these amazing qualities that he could never have—but he didn't just want to _be_ what Sousuke was, he _wanted_ what Sousuke was.

It was like an undying lust.

It didn't even go away as he was sitting in his temporary jail cell, despising Sousuke truly but finding himself still in love.

He had long since—temporarily, at least—reverted back to his normal form. Perhaps it was the complete and empty rage he had felt that had driven the hollow away; the hollow that had grown in him was probably unable to withstand that self-despising rage.

Shinji wanted to scream. He wanted to kill. He wanted to go back and, maybe, make sure he had never met Sousuke. But, he had, and these were the consequences.

So he did scream, raking his nails down the walls of the jail cell. No one was awake to hear. No one was there to see.

He pounded the walls until he bled, tears pouring from his eyes—tears of anger, tears of anguish, and tears of regret.

He was caught between a rock and a hard place—he wanted Sousuke back yet he wished that he had never met Sousuke in the first place.

Conflicting emotions tore him apart in their whirlwind battle.

Out of nowhere, between screams, Shinji's trained ears heard soft, padding footsteps coming from the deserted corridor. The footsteps echoed off the walls and sounded much louder than they really ought to have.

Desperate for some company—_any_ company—he sat quietly and waited.

As the footsteps grew closer, they grew quieter and more cautious.

The face that he saw through the bars of his jail cell was that of Urahara.

His eyes were worn and dim—like the life had been sucked out of him.

The betrayal had hurt this man too—this man who was Sousuke's lover.

Their eyes met, both blank and dull. They carried the same pain and the sinking guilt of knowing that what had happened would have happened eventually but neither had done anything to stop it.

They shared that knowledge in that moment, exchanging glances instead of words.

They stared at each other, only the jail cell's bars separating one another. It was a timeless moment.

Urahara was the one to break the silence.

"Your hands," he murmured and said no more, imploring Shinji to reply.

Shinji looked down at his hands, torn and bleeding, but said nothing. They both had heard the screams. Urahara really didn't need to ask.

They held their positions for several minutes before Urahara decided to move. Shinji didn't know how—and he didn't dare question how—but Urahara had slipped right past the bars. It wasn't a feat of physicality but he had done something—something Shinji wasn't aware of.

The surprise showed on his face but he said nothing to support it.

Urahara took a seat next to him, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"They're all asleep?" he asked blandly. Shinji nodded. "Do you miss him?" The name didn't need to be given. Shinji nodded. "I wish he'd told me." Shinji nodded again. He could only agree. "I wish I was smarter—I could've saved the lives of innocents. Foolish, aren't I? I'm unfit to be a captain."

Shinji said no words of condolence. He held the same grief—grief for the innocents and guilt for his own lack of action.

"Everyone makes mistakes," Shinji said, choosing his words cautiously, "it doesn't make you any less worthy."

"You're telling yourself that, too, huh?" Urahara replied wryly, smiling—but it was empty. "Where do you think he'll go from here? What's he going to do?"

Shinji had no idea. Urahara must have had some idea though because, otherwise, he wouldn't have said something like that.

"He's going to come back." Urahara whispered breathlessly—but it wasn't with exhilaration or hope but with fear. "He's going to come back and kill us all—he'll return with even greater power."

Shinji couldn't imagine Sousuke being more powerful than he already was—but it was the thought that terrified him.

How easily would he be outmatched in their next battle?

But Shinji couldn't think of that.

The Sousuke he saw—the one with the dark secrets and twisted smirks and the one with the soft smiles and the simplicity he, himself, lacked—was lovely.

Want filled his body—not lust, not love, but _want_.

He looked to Urahara and, for once, said his name. "Urahara," he started, his throat feeling oddly sore—so much so that his voice had come out raspy and didn't even sound like him.

"Kisuke," Urahara corrected quickly, flashing him his trademark smile—but it held none of his trademark cheer.

"Where is Sousuke?" he asked, his eyes dark and fixated on the floor beneath his feet.

Urahara looked taken back by the sudden question. "The world of the hollows—Hueco Mundo—I'm assuming."

"Why would he go there?"

Urahara looked outside the small window in the cell, catching a quick glimpse of the moonlight—it was still night time. "To take over, I suppose—he aims to control _everything_."

"That's stingy, ain't it?" Shinji said. His voice held no mirth. Instead, he sounded dry—as though he was choking.

They sat in silence, watching the patterns the moonlight created as clouds danced around it.

Then, out of nowhere, Urahara pulled Shinji into a kiss.

It lacked sophistication—it was messy and unskilled. It was unexpected.

But, Urahara—or, perhaps, was he allowed to address him as "Kisuke" now?—wasn't seeing him; he was seeing Sousuke.

They were both wanting Sousuke—the gentle Sousuke, the evil Sousuke; just Sousuke.

Shinji didn't fight back. He wanted Sousuke back too.

Shinji gave into his want for the first time in his life and directed it at Urahara; it had no other outlet. They were rough and it was like nothing Shinji had ever done before. They were down on the floor and then up against the walls and then they weren't anywhere anymore because he couldn't see straight enough to see where they were.

Clothing was gone, discarded in a heap that was now illuminated by slivers of moonlight. One of those slivers caught Shinji's eyes and they shone with blatant lust—his want embodied.

They were kissing and then they weren't—and then they were again. And legs were thrust upwards at awkward angles in an attempt at physical contact.

Everything was forgotten in their want—their want for Sousuke.

Shinji could've sworn he heard Urahara moan Sousuke's name but that wouldn't have been the first time he had things like that.

They wanted.

Shinji let his mind wander back to Sousuke—the one he didn't dare claim as his but the one who could claim him without any effort.

His body was riddled with pleasure at the mere thought of him. He let out his own breathy gasp of "Sousuke".

No one was awake to hear them. No one was there to see them.

But, if someone had been there to see them and if someone had been awake to hear them, they would have heard moans and groans and they would have seen tears falling from Urahara's eyes; they would have seen the love that was there—yet wasn't because it wasn't for one another.

For Sousuke—always.

Their ecstasy lasted until morning came. And, with morning, came light and understanding—hopefully.

Shinji awoke, finding himself alone and fully clothed. He still felt naked and cold, though. Something didn't feel right.

There was a throbbing pain in his chest that he could only identify as the hollow that had been created in him. It burned painfully—yearning to be released.

He was exhausted and in no position to refuse it.

As the pure darkness that came with being engulfed by the hollow swallowed him, he thought of Urahara.

He thought of Sousuke.

He understood.

The love, the lust, the want, the _need_.

He finally understood.

For the first time in fifty years, he shed a tear.

For a man like him to be fully conquered by emotions was really something else.

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**Author's Note:** _SO LATE. I feel horrible now. I'm not really satisfied with the ending but it will have to do—I can't think of anything better. Yes, I'm that bad. Regardless, I owe Shadow an apology for the lateness. The eleventh was my birthday and the internet decided to give me a birthday present—it crashed. I'm posting it from my grandma's house right now. I have no excuse for not posting it yesterday or the night before, though. In all honesty, I'd completely forgotten. My mind was completely focused on our geography test—my current worst subject. And then there was the choir concert that was yesterday as well. Wednesday? Lin's birthday took priority. My mind really isn't with the BRFFC right now. I have to apologize for that. I know that the BRFFC is important but I get sidetracked so easily. So, here is the fic—_finally_. I hope anyone who reads this can enjoy it—even if it's too late for it to be counted in the competition. _

_Pertaining to the story itself, as I was writing, I had the phrase "My enemy's enemy is my friend" in my mind. I don't know why, it just fit nicely. When I thought of Shinji x Urahara, I immediately thought of Aizen. Ah, but, to me, little Gin's caught Aizen's heart. Regardless, I pictured Shinji being in love with Aizen and Urahara being Aizen's lover. (Maybe I was just a little bit influenced by _peppermint quartz_ who, by the way, writes AiGin and is amazing). I don't know. Psycho!Urahara and Psycho!Aizen just fit well, if you look at "Turning Back the Pendulum" or, to me, "the chapters with the negative numbers". So, that's that. I enjoyed writing this immensely. _


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